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Getting Over a Breakup
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Getting Over a Breakup
By Irene S. Levine, Ph.D.
Content provided by Revolution Health Group
Content provided by Revolution Health Group
"Not even a mountain of cushion-cut diamonds can soften a blow like this."
That's how People magazine characterized actress Ellen Barkin's 2006 split from her billionaire husband, Ron Perelman. After six years of marriage, the financier caught his wife by surprise when he announced he wanted out.
Barkin received a huge divorce settlement of about $20 million, and she got to keep an estimated $15 million worth of jewelry from her ex-husband. Before her tears had dried, she placed the museum-quality baubles on the auction block: a symbolic way of purging the memories of her marriage and publicly announcing it was over.
No matter how a romantic relationship ends, getting over it is tough. It's hard to leave something that feels comfortable and familiar — even if the relationship didn't work.
The anguish is worse when you're the one who has been left, having had no choice in the matter and having had no time to prepare emotionally for an unexpected loss. Invariably, the one who is left asks: "What happened? Why did my partner stop loving me?" When there are no apparent answers, the experience is fraught with pain, confusion and anger.
"The simple truth is that divorce stinks," writes Karen Covy, J.D., a Chicago-based attorney, in her book, When Happily Ever After Ends: How to Survive Your Divorce — Emotionally, Financially and Legally (Sphinx Publishing, 2006).
"It doesn't matter how amicable you try to make it, how civilized you attempt to act, or how rationally you approach the situation. Going through a divorce is like getting hit by a Mack truck on a deserted highway in the middle of the winter — it's cold, it's lonely and it hurts like hell."
But there are several ways to minimize relationship losses so that you heal more quickly.
Find some closure "Sometimes you simply need to understand why," says New York City-based relationship expert Sherry Amatenstein, author of Love Lessons from Bad Breakups (Perigree, 2002). If this is the case, she suggests that you ask your partner for an explanation, without offering a rebuttal or assigning blame.
Often, it can help to have a third party facilitate the conversation. "When couples meet with me, we usually find that there is some kind of unfinished business between them," says Kathy Jaffe, a social worker turned mediator who has a private practice in Pomona, N.Y. "Once the couple understands the old relationship — where they went right or where they went wrong — they are able to find new and satisfying relationships."
Jaffe, whose work entails helping couples end and find closure in their relationships, distinguishes between mediation and therapy. In therapy, one person has a problem; in mediation, both share ownership of the problem.
Like Barkin, some people use rituals to end a relationship symbolically. If you find yourself bothered by concrete reminders of a relationship that has ended, get rid of them, Amatenstein says.
Women, in particular, can be overly sentimental. Don't listen to the song you once shared. Find a new favorite restaurant (or at least change tables), and get all his stuff out of your dresser or closet. Amatenstein also suggests writing a letter expressing your feelings about the breakup, even if you never mail it.
Admittedly, when children are in the picture, it isn't as easy to completely erase memories of an ex from your life. But if couples are to remain good parents to their children, they need to carve out a new and different relationship with each other.
Don't jump into another relationship too soon
If we're lucky, every relationship teaches us something about ourselves. When a relationship is over, do a "look back" or post-mortem: Figure out why you got into a bad relationship in the first place and what you can do to stay out of a similar one.
One divorce attorney I know doesn't ask couples why they are getting divorced. Rather, he asks if they now understand why they got married.
"Depending on how long, how serious and the circumstances of the breakup, a lot of people are afraid of being alone and jump into another relationship with the same person with a different face," Amatenstein says. This is particularly easy in the era of instant online love.
Resist the temptation to turn to the Internet to find a substitute, and give yourself the gift of time to get over the relationship. The person you are after a breakup is different from the person you will become tomorrow. So, now is not the best time to attract a healthy partner.
Use the time to focus on yourself mentally, physically and socially. If you want a better mate, you need to work on making a better you. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, stay active and surround yourself with friends who understand what you are going through. When you do put your toe in the water, go slowly. Think museum dates and movies — keep it light!
"When you are ready, ask your friend for introductions. Take risks. Expand your world," Amatenstein says. "Set romantic goals for yourself, and figure out the type of person you want to meet."
Think of it as a new beginning, not an end
"Although the end of a relationship can be distressing or even disorienting, the singlehood that follows has the potential to be expansive, liberating and fulfilling," says Bella DePaulo, Ph.D., author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After (St. Martin's Press, 2006).
"Relationships take time, and sometimes that time is stolen from other parts of our lives that we value," says DePaulo, a visiting professor of psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara.
She believes that the end of a relationship offers the opportunity to reclaim — or discover for the first time — the passions and interests that are your own.
"Living your single life to the fullest is a win/win situation," she says. "If you stay single, you are already living authentically and unapologetically. If you decide to couple again, you will do so from a position of strength."
That's how People magazine characterized actress Ellen Barkin's 2006 split from her billionaire husband, Ron Perelman. After six years of marriage, the financier caught his wife by surprise when he announced he wanted out.
Barkin received a huge divorce settlement of about $20 million, and she got to keep an estimated $15 million worth of jewelry from her ex-husband. Before her tears had dried, she placed the museum-quality baubles on the auction block: a symbolic way of purging the memories of her marriage and publicly announcing it was over.
No matter how a romantic relationship ends, getting over it is tough. It's hard to leave something that feels comfortable and familiar — even if the relationship didn't work.
The anguish is worse when you're the one who has been left, having had no choice in the matter and having had no time to prepare emotionally for an unexpected loss. Invariably, the one who is left asks: "What happened? Why did my partner stop loving me?" When there are no apparent answers, the experience is fraught with pain, confusion and anger.
"The simple truth is that divorce stinks," writes Karen Covy, J.D., a Chicago-based attorney, in her book, When Happily Ever After Ends: How to Survive Your Divorce — Emotionally, Financially and Legally (Sphinx Publishing, 2006).
"It doesn't matter how amicable you try to make it, how civilized you attempt to act, or how rationally you approach the situation. Going through a divorce is like getting hit by a Mack truck on a deserted highway in the middle of the winter — it's cold, it's lonely and it hurts like hell."
But there are several ways to minimize relationship losses so that you heal more quickly.
Find some closure "Sometimes you simply need to understand why," says New York City-based relationship expert Sherry Amatenstein, author of Love Lessons from Bad Breakups (Perigree, 2002). If this is the case, she suggests that you ask your partner for an explanation, without offering a rebuttal or assigning blame.
Often, it can help to have a third party facilitate the conversation. "When couples meet with me, we usually find that there is some kind of unfinished business between them," says Kathy Jaffe, a social worker turned mediator who has a private practice in Pomona, N.Y. "Once the couple understands the old relationship — where they went right or where they went wrong — they are able to find new and satisfying relationships."
Jaffe, whose work entails helping couples end and find closure in their relationships, distinguishes between mediation and therapy. In therapy, one person has a problem; in mediation, both share ownership of the problem.
Like Barkin, some people use rituals to end a relationship symbolically. If you find yourself bothered by concrete reminders of a relationship that has ended, get rid of them, Amatenstein says.
Women, in particular, can be overly sentimental. Don't listen to the song you once shared. Find a new favorite restaurant (or at least change tables), and get all his stuff out of your dresser or closet. Amatenstein also suggests writing a letter expressing your feelings about the breakup, even if you never mail it.
Admittedly, when children are in the picture, it isn't as easy to completely erase memories of an ex from your life. But if couples are to remain good parents to their children, they need to carve out a new and different relationship with each other.
Don't jump into another relationship too soon
If we're lucky, every relationship teaches us something about ourselves. When a relationship is over, do a "look back" or post-mortem: Figure out why you got into a bad relationship in the first place and what you can do to stay out of a similar one.
One divorce attorney I know doesn't ask couples why they are getting divorced. Rather, he asks if they now understand why they got married.
"Depending on how long, how serious and the circumstances of the breakup, a lot of people are afraid of being alone and jump into another relationship with the same person with a different face," Amatenstein says. This is particularly easy in the era of instant online love.
Resist the temptation to turn to the Internet to find a substitute, and give yourself the gift of time to get over the relationship. The person you are after a breakup is different from the person you will become tomorrow. So, now is not the best time to attract a healthy partner.
Use the time to focus on yourself mentally, physically and socially. If you want a better mate, you need to work on making a better you. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, stay active and surround yourself with friends who understand what you are going through. When you do put your toe in the water, go slowly. Think museum dates and movies — keep it light!
"When you are ready, ask your friend for introductions. Take risks. Expand your world," Amatenstein says. "Set romantic goals for yourself, and figure out the type of person you want to meet."
Think of it as a new beginning, not an end
"Although the end of a relationship can be distressing or even disorienting, the singlehood that follows has the potential to be expansive, liberating and fulfilling," says Bella DePaulo, Ph.D., author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After (St. Martin's Press, 2006).
"Relationships take time, and sometimes that time is stolen from other parts of our lives that we value," says DePaulo, a visiting professor of psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara.
She believes that the end of a relationship offers the opportunity to reclaim — or discover for the first time — the passions and interests that are your own.
"Living your single life to the fullest is a win/win situation," she says. "If you stay single, you are already living authentically and unapologetically. If you decide to couple again, you will do so from a position of strength."